Practice Makes Polite

The Importance of Learning Etiquette Before You Need It
© August 6, 2006, Bryan A. Harmsen

Introduction

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Do you really know what semi-formal means? Do you know the appropriate way to indicate you are finished with your meal? Etiquette is defined in the American Heritage^® Dictionary as "The practices and forms prescribed by social convention or by authority." (Lexico Publishing Group, LLC, n.d.) This definition doesn't begin to describe the body of knowledge relating to etiquette and the different facets of the topic.

Many new graduates and young Americans are not interested in learning about proper etiquette nor do they see the value in this skill set. This instinct is understandable as many of the truly important occasions, where etiquette can be a determining factor, occur later in our careers and lives. The consequences of this attitude on etiquette, however, can be severe because we rarely know in advance when our etiquette is going to propel or derail our relationships, whether business or personal. Companies today place tremendous emphasis on the ability to make a great first impression over a meal and they seek to hire candidates who already know how to do this (Whitmore, 2005).

Etiquette Experts

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During the summer of 2001, I was introduced to formal etiquette training by Nonnie Cameron, who is commonly referred to as "Mom Nonnie" by almost anyone who has met her. Mom Nonnie has a unique style of delivering her lessons on etiquette that capture your attention and leave you thinking about her and proper etiquette long after she holds a teaching dinner. Her effectiveness at instilling this often-overlooked art is well documented by her popularity and long list of accolades. These accolades include many corporate and university etiquette training sessions.

I met Mom Nonnie at an etiquette dinner in Richmond, Virginia and was immediately impressed. Not only with the depth of knowledge on how to indicate you are finished with your meal through the placement of silverware (this depends on whether you are in America or Europe) (Cameron, n.d.), but by how Mom Nonnie reads people so well and tailors her message to the audience. The result is usually an inspired audience that takes away a great deal of what Mom Nonnie has to share.

There is an interesting corollary between Mom Nonnie's etiquette training and leadership study in that she demonstrates extraordinary leadership with a task one might not usually associate with the subject. She seems to exhibit the M.I.C.E.E. leadership model presented by James Kouzes and Barry Posner (2002) without even thinking about it. Mom Nonnie particularly excels at
enabling others to act and encouraging the heart. She enables others to act with the depth of knowledge on her craft and how she makes herself available to everyone. Mom Nonnie's bulletin board, on her Etiquette Plus website, receives a steady stream of broad etiquette questions for which she
always has an elegant answer (Cameron, n.d.).

Mom Nonnie also makes people around her feel comfortable, which is critical in teaching and consulting on this sometimes awkward topic. This willingness, if not yearning, to help others
improve is a unique gift that she shares every day. While you could label Mom Nonnie an "etiquette expert", she is really a people expert.

Practice

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Like an athletic endeavor, the mastery of etiquette requires practice. Etiquette is more like a physical talent, to be exercised, than an academic body of knowledge to be studied. Books on etiquette of all kinds are published every year, and while this is a good place to start, etiquette must be practiced in real world scenarios to truly take hold.

What makes exemplary etiquette so elusive is that the majority of times we need to have polished etiquette skills are generally the only times we have a chance to practice the skills. In order to sharpen our etiquette skills, we must make a conscious effort to practice the skills in a learning environment. Practicing etiquette skills doesn't require a five star restaurant and an experienced etiquette coach. There are nice casual restaurants in most cities that are great for practicing etiquette without the investment of a formal dinner.

While we could all probably use more etiquette practice, those that know it to be one of their weaknesses must be diligent in arranging time to practice. The most important idea on this topic is that we don't need to have an upcoming formal occasion to practice our etiquette skills. In fact, the more we practice for no reason at all, the more natural our skills at the dinner
table and cocktail party will become.

Beyond Etiquette

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It's what is behind etiquette that makes it so important. At the core, etiquette is about how we behave and treat others. This is also what links it directly to leadership. Opportunities are won and lost and careers derailed over improper etiquette, the same way they are won and lost in the office. Jacqueline Whitmore (2005, p. 1) articulated the fundamental value of etiquette when she said "Success comes when you are able to put others at ease."

Most new professionals, and many not so new, would benefit tremendously from re-focusing on their etiquette skills. For those with little to no experience on the topic, start with a
straight-forward book on the topic and seek an etiquette dinner to supplement and practice your newfound knowledge. Once the basics of etiquette have been mastered, it takes only a small amount of practice to keep these skills in shape.

References

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